amelia typically gets an afternoon snack in her bumbo seat...which works out great, except when she smooshes the raisins into the two divets in the tray that are supposed to hold a spinning toy (that we never put on there b/c she tears it off & wings it across the room). use of the bumbo has ended, as of this week. the other day we placed her in it for her snack, left the room & i came back in a few minutes later to find her crawling, still in the bumbo! that was the largest baby bum i have ever seen wiggling around. *smile*
& i don't have any pictures (yet, they're on my mom's camera) but adeline *loves* to play in the rain. so last night, during our constant light rain shower, adeline & i went to sit on the patio to watch the rain. she got a bit ansty & i suggested she play in the rain. she did, gleefully. then she tried to get me in the action, but i somehow convinced her that daddy would be a much better playmate (he was). after this my mom has taken to calling her a shawnee indian warrior princess to which i reply (with a smile) 'we use native american in this house'.
***
recovery. i'm trying to figure it all out this week. what are my limits, what is the purpose of this tumor/surgery/recovery in my life, do things just happen b/c they happen or is there a reason, why is it that a medication will make pain 1 feel better but then cause pain 2 & pain 3 to worsen or begin??? all these questions. i know, i just can't let things happen; to me there's a reason. at first i was angry with god that he let this happen to me...now i'm a bit passed that *wink* but still trying to figure it all out. hhmm, where am i going with this?
well, i have reached the 'exhausted' stage in the 29 (or82?) stages of surgery recovery (according to heidi). every new hurdle i'm learning to deal with, slowly. the face numbness is more of an annoyance. the imbalance i can predict. i know how fast (or to normal folks, how slow) i can turn my head to avoid sending the room spinning. every 3-4 hours i take over the counter pain meds for the HOLY CRAP painful muscles & know when they will start to hurt again. the newest is the exhaustion...it just hits me, at about, oh 9 a.m., lol. & i can't shake it. this morning i drank 2 full cups of coffee to off set it & instead of being more awake, i got the shakes from drinking too much caffeine. i tried to take a nap but instead i'm restless & thinking about being wheeled into the operating room, waking up from the surgery the first 6 times, seeing wes by my bed crying.
i especially remember the moment i thought to myself: i could die now & it would be okay. b/c *HELLO* that's not a good thought! how could i think that?! i'm for sure not suicidal & i really love living. so what i think is that i was in the most intense pain of my life, but also on morphine to cloud my brain up a bit, my family had just seen me for the first time & they had gone. the nurse was trying to explain to me why my face was numb & why i couldn't get up to pee (i tried to tell her to pull the catheter out several times & she was very kind, but was like hell no you are not getting up & i would mumble but i have to pee on the toilet...) & the older lady near me kept doing these terrible smelling farts. anyway, during this time i thought about adeline & amelia & wes & how they would have such a better life if i was with jesus instead. b/c i was in so much pain & didn't know to just let the pee *go* into the catheter & my goodness would that mumbling older lady ever stop stinking the room up (this was in the surgery recovery room, which i was only in for about 8 hours i think). so i keep trying to make myself believe that i never had this thought that dying right now would be okay for everyone. so to STOP denial, like a good old social worker will, i will just tell everyone about it! duh.
at the healing prayer last monday one of the women praying said that somehow this tumor & surgery & recovery was going to be used to further god's kingdom. before the surgery, another friend told me this as well. all i'm thinking is 'why this?' why surgery...why can't god just land 100 acres of land in my lap so i can start the settlement house of my dreams, complete with a farm, grants that will send the families to college or a trade school, houses on the land, etc (i don't really want to go back into social work unless i can do something like this. so there degree & license).
but i think now i'm sort of getting it. throughout this whole harold diagnosis i have been keenly aware of the response people give to my situation. some retreat, some come out of the woodwork, some come to the rescue (think: parents & siblings!), some are distant or steadfast in their outreach. you get the picture. what is best is when someone has gone through a trauma of any kind & can *relate*. maybe i am supposed to relate to others going through traumas? i don't know, this is just what keeps coming up.
there are so many things that fall through the cracks after a surgery, or any trauma...but in our world, or in our family or circle of friends sometimes people don't take the time to notice or care or reach out. i have been shocked of who shrinks back, not wanting to engage in this recovery. maybe it's b/c i have decided not to hold back & give white lies that 'all is well, god is good' (well, god is good, but that doesn't mean all is well. coming from a grace brethren church background, that may make sense to some of you, lol) & then i have been shocked by the stamina of others to reach out, even when their own life is crazy. sooo....there you have it. this is why i can't sleep today! ARRGH.
& i don't have any pictures (yet, they're on my mom's camera) but adeline *loves* to play in the rain. so last night, during our constant light rain shower, adeline & i went to sit on the patio to watch the rain. she got a bit ansty & i suggested she play in the rain. she did, gleefully. then she tried to get me in the action, but i somehow convinced her that daddy would be a much better playmate (he was). after this my mom has taken to calling her a shawnee indian warrior princess to which i reply (with a smile) 'we use native american in this house'.
***
recovery. i'm trying to figure it all out this week. what are my limits, what is the purpose of this tumor/surgery/recovery in my life, do things just happen b/c they happen or is there a reason, why is it that a medication will make pain 1 feel better but then cause pain 2 & pain 3 to worsen or begin??? all these questions. i know, i just can't let things happen; to me there's a reason. at first i was angry with god that he let this happen to me...now i'm a bit passed that *wink* but still trying to figure it all out. hhmm, where am i going with this?
well, i have reached the 'exhausted' stage in the 29 (or82?) stages of surgery recovery (according to heidi). every new hurdle i'm learning to deal with, slowly. the face numbness is more of an annoyance. the imbalance i can predict. i know how fast (or to normal folks, how slow) i can turn my head to avoid sending the room spinning. every 3-4 hours i take over the counter pain meds for the HOLY CRAP painful muscles & know when they will start to hurt again. the newest is the exhaustion...it just hits me, at about, oh 9 a.m., lol. & i can't shake it. this morning i drank 2 full cups of coffee to off set it & instead of being more awake, i got the shakes from drinking too much caffeine. i tried to take a nap but instead i'm restless & thinking about being wheeled into the operating room, waking up from the surgery the first 6 times, seeing wes by my bed crying.
i especially remember the moment i thought to myself: i could die now & it would be okay. b/c *HELLO* that's not a good thought! how could i think that?! i'm for sure not suicidal & i really love living. so what i think is that i was in the most intense pain of my life, but also on morphine to cloud my brain up a bit, my family had just seen me for the first time & they had gone. the nurse was trying to explain to me why my face was numb & why i couldn't get up to pee (i tried to tell her to pull the catheter out several times & she was very kind, but was like hell no you are not getting up & i would mumble but i have to pee on the toilet...) & the older lady near me kept doing these terrible smelling farts. anyway, during this time i thought about adeline & amelia & wes & how they would have such a better life if i was with jesus instead. b/c i was in so much pain & didn't know to just let the pee *go* into the catheter & my goodness would that mumbling older lady ever stop stinking the room up (this was in the surgery recovery room, which i was only in for about 8 hours i think). so i keep trying to make myself believe that i never had this thought that dying right now would be okay for everyone. so to STOP denial, like a good old social worker will, i will just tell everyone about it! duh.
at the healing prayer last monday one of the women praying said that somehow this tumor & surgery & recovery was going to be used to further god's kingdom. before the surgery, another friend told me this as well. all i'm thinking is 'why this?' why surgery...why can't god just land 100 acres of land in my lap so i can start the settlement house of my dreams, complete with a farm, grants that will send the families to college or a trade school, houses on the land, etc (i don't really want to go back into social work unless i can do something like this. so there degree & license).
but i think now i'm sort of getting it. throughout this whole harold diagnosis i have been keenly aware of the response people give to my situation. some retreat, some come out of the woodwork, some come to the rescue (think: parents & siblings!), some are distant or steadfast in their outreach. you get the picture. what is best is when someone has gone through a trauma of any kind & can *relate*. maybe i am supposed to relate to others going through traumas? i don't know, this is just what keeps coming up.
there are so many things that fall through the cracks after a surgery, or any trauma...but in our world, or in our family or circle of friends sometimes people don't take the time to notice or care or reach out. i have been shocked of who shrinks back, not wanting to engage in this recovery. maybe it's b/c i have decided not to hold back & give white lies that 'all is well, god is good' (well, god is good, but that doesn't mean all is well. coming from a grace brethren church background, that may make sense to some of you, lol) & then i have been shocked by the stamina of others to reach out, even when their own life is crazy. sooo....there you have it. this is why i can't sleep today! ARRGH.
i had a hemorrhage after olive was born and almost bled out. i remember having the same exact thought of "if i died right now, i'd be okay with that." in hindsight that is SCARY but it gives me a sort of (warped?) hope that the true end of everyones life is marked by peaceful acceptance. im glad i didn't die. im glad you didnt die. BUT! had we, our union with Jesus would have been wonderful!
ReplyDeletei can't tell if this comment is encouraging or wacky
I've been lurking and reading your story but I feel like I should comment. Your story is amazing and I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason. It just sometimes takes awhile for that reason to be revealed. Saying healing prayers for you.
ReplyDeletePS That photo? Priceless.
I came here to say something else -- and I'll get to that -- but I think Jenny Mae has the right idea about accepting death.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I think you're right about understanding people who have gone through trauma. My job is to talk to people and tell their stories. The experiences that have helped me the most often have been the things that were hardest to live through. To be able to relate to people, to put them at ease, to understand where they're coming from --- that's a gift. You're already an empathetic person; god must have some serious work in mind for you. : )
I think some people (I am in this group) just don't know what to say. I don't want to trivialize or over-burden or whatever, so maybe not pulling away (I read your updates without fail), but more giving you room to lament and mourn and live, like I would want.
ReplyDeleteI'm one of your silent supporters Heidi :) It is hard to believe some times that people care and are paying attention when we aren't vocal, but you likely have an army of silent supporters. You're a beautiful, honest, generous, kind, woman who leaves an impression on those who get to meet you! There are times when it doesn't seem possible to find the right words to say or email... but believe that people do care, and are there, and are listening and reaching out to you even if you don't see or hear it.:)
ReplyDeleteSO!
ReplyDeleteto jenny: comment useful & helpful, not wacky :o)
to kristin & kristy & others: you are not one of the retreaters. i don't think i explained myself very well! so sorry. i have to say there a FEW certain people i am disappointed in, people i have known for decades...that sort of thing. heck, if you're even reading this blog you are reaching out!
Sometimes I wish I could just die if I get the stomach flu and am puking my guts out. I'm easily tempted by a perfect life in heaven with Jesus. (though not suicidal either!)
ReplyDeleteKara