the bean...

amelia has several nicknames: millie (for those who wonder, millie is a known nickname for the name amelia & also my great grandmother's name). bean (she was so tiny as a newborn & now: one of her favorite foods would be black beans). millie bean. string bean. silly girl. snuggle bug. jumping bean.

& now this: 3 year old holy terror.

*smile*

this is said in jest, i really don't think she's a terror. maybe more of a normal tantrum-throwing 3 year old dramatic child. she has this stubborn streak...i have no freakin' clue where she gets that (yea, that was sarcasm. she gets it from me, i know. or, it's just part of her own DNA. who knows.). anyway, these past few weeks have been rather tumultuous with this jumping bean.

she doesn't want this spoon. i want to wear my pj's outside. i don't want to wear my pj's to bed because they're too scratchy. i want THAT cup, the one i left outside for 3 days, hidden in the sandbox & filled with milk; wash it NOW. i don't want to go here, i want to go there. i don't want you.

i'm sure all of you parents totally understand & can finish my long list of her complaints & statements of independence, right? so let me add this in: she's starting to hit. again. & not just a little swinging of the arms towards my general direction...but smacking me in the face with a doll sippy cup. slapping me in the face. kicking me in the stomach. (well, let me add that she has been kicking wes for some time now). & then add in throwing toys, beloved mini lollaloopsy doll house & baby doll items across her room.

she was in her room last week, because if she refuses to sit in time out (which she will always refuse now), she sits in her bedroom. if she keeps coming out of her bedroom the door is closed. if she keeps opening the door, the door is locked. she is to stay in there for 3 minutes of calm time...or if she's really into a fit, until the first signs of her being calm. then it's a bit of talking & she must still do her 3 minutes of time out, which usually starts the same whole fucking process again. oh.my.lands.) so anyway, she was in her room, freaking out as good as she can, kicking the door. then she was quiet for a few seconds...wes & i thought it may be a reprieve. hark! she has calmed down!

nope. she then starts banging on the door again, only this time much louder. hhmm: she was banging on the door with a large candle (we won it in a white elephant gift exchange...amelia immediately fell in love with the vanilla scent & made a place for it in her room).

she threw fits the other day so long & arduous that by 9 p.m., after listening to her for 90 minutes, i'd had enough. she was throwing all of her toys around, screaming in her bedroom. all because she didn't want to get her pajamas on. she wanted the same clothes she wore during the day (the ones it took me 20 minutes to convince her they weren't covered with some sort of itching powder). these clothes were wet, covered in sand & dirt & smelled a bit funky. so, no, child you can not wear these to bed. wear the pj's you've wanted to wear all flippin day. she refused & commenced screaming & kicking & throwing toys & rolled around her room naked.

 so every toy she threw was taken away (i was just sitting in her room, reading, my back turned toward her rantings). every piece of furniture she banged against the wall or kicked was taken out of her room.

she now has her bed, her dresser, & an empty toy box in her room. that's it. she screamed for another 15 minutes & needing a break, i was ready to just let her cry herself to sleep. so what if she sleeps naked for a night, on the floor?! wes decided to give it a go. i decided to chill out in the shower for however long it takes.

nearly 30 minutes later, wes comes into the bathroom, carrying the bean, with pj's on. she apologized for smacking me in the face, for kicking my back, for throwing toys. wes thinks he broke through to her somehow. i'm hoping, my fingers crossed.

last night she woke up at 1:30 (she has been waking up every night...plus it takes her forever to fall asleep now)...anyway, she woke up & wouldn't say anything but cries, whines. i tried to get her into bed with us, but that brought more crying. wes tried to soothe her, but again, more crying. so i suggested after nodding off to sleep several times that i take her downstairs & rock her in the big, comfy previous-nursery rocker. she begged a yes & grabbed my hand, her bunny & blanket. we rocked for at least 30 minutes. she didn't say a word. i sang, she looked calm & snuggled into me. then she said: i want to get in my bed now.

***

there are moments lately when i have reached my limits with her. i know this is just a phase. i can see that she struggles with anger (with addy: anxiety, with amelia: anger. my sister said, the double a's again!). maybe it's because i'm at my limits as well. stressed, frustrated, a bit depressed. so many things are coming up against my family right now. & then i'm deciding to start a baking business?! 

 not only do i wake up in pain & go throughout the day in pain, but migraines are back. my parents are going through hell. amelia's tantrums are increasing. marriage can hurt & suck. money goes out faster than it comes in.

in the morning i feel hopeful: i can do this. i can make it through the day, we can have fun & i can comfort my kids. i can give wes the love he deserves.i can convince amelia that pj's are not worth losing all her toys. but really, i have no control over it all & things fall apart.

so here it is, my vent. the current normal totally sucks. i'm guessing we are totally in the muck of life right now, slogging through shit & will eventually get out of it, this funky muck. right?! ugh...(maybe it's better if i don't blog?! *smile*)