what you see below is...

...not from my own mri (b/c we don't own a scanner or i would just put my own image up here) but from someone off the internet. what it IS is a vestibular schwannoma. a tumor growing from the inner ear & in my case, growing into my brain. a brain tumor. (yea, holy *enter expletive*), this is my latest & greatest of the medical problems yet... i can barely type it still & my body just wants to bawl up & cry when i do type or say it. here's to flooding: i have a brain tumor. i have a brain tumor. (flooding does not work).

i got the news wednesday afternoon at the ENT appointment at osu medical center. turns out this dr really isn't just an ent, he's the chair of the department of otolaryngology & happens to be doing research about this exact type of brain tumor. wes & i couldn't find a sitter so he just stayed home with them while i went. i got the impression from the not so wonderful dr. katz, who called to tell me this via a freakin phone call (from osu, the optical neurologist who was investigating my eye issues & who ordered the mri, then didn't even look at them with me & called me 2 weeks later to tell me the results of a growth in my left ear). anyway, he gave me the impression that it was not really a big deal, that this dr. welling would check my ear, see if i had any hearing loss, maybe schedule me for a very routine, non-invasive procedure & i'd be on my way.

that is sooo not what happened. first, i have hearing loss in my left ear. nothing really significant, just to certain high pitched, soft sounds. i didn't think that was anything to get worked up about. then dr welling took me into his exam room, did a neurological exam on me (which involves me resisting pressure on body limbs & such) & then he talked to me extensively about my past medical history, like no one ever has before...in a good way. so then we go back to his actual office to look at the mri images on his computer & that's when i saw my brain & what he pointed to was so large that i thought it was just another part of the brain. but not so, friends, this was my tumor.

i held my emotions in pretty good while he started to explain to me what this tumor actually is & the options for treatment. there are 3 options: 1. observe through mri every 4-6 months to see if it's growing, etc. 2. radiation to the tumor to either shrink it or stop the growth. 3. surgery for removal. the best option for someone my age is option three, surgery, b/c more than likely it will continue to grow & radiation will only put off the inevitable surgery.

i am penciled in for removal, aka brain surgery, aka craniotomy, aka heidi-freaking-out, on july 28th. the wonderfully nice executive secretary for dr welling talked to me for about 30 minutes after dr welling's time with me was over (he also had a doc-in-training with him, dr yates was his name) & she calmed me down every time my eyes welled up with tears. she joked with me about the surgery, which sounds heartless, but was actually very needed right then. she mentioned that i will be a very popular patient b/c everyone is always interested when this type of surgery is going on. she said i'll be in the middle of a team of dr's who are looking out for me.

then i signed my tumor away, donating it to science to be cut up & poked & prodded "to better society" as the research lady said. then they joked that i probably didn't want to take it home, especially since it will be covered in blood & stuff & i had mentioned my phobia of needles & blood already.

the tumor is 10.2mm by 13.9mm, as of april 20th, 2009 at 4:06 p.m. it may have grown since then. i'm not sure what is next besides i do have to call to confirm that i do want this surgery. which i'm pretty sure i do. it's just that the risks of complications from surgery, from removing something that has been festering with my brain/neck nerves for maybe 5 years could mess up other things, such as the hearing in my left ear, facial muscles (paralysis) & then i will have a very hard time walking for awhile. "awhile" could be a week or it could be upwards of a month or more.

here is a link to anyone who's interested in reading up on my (freakin) brain tumor:
http://www.nidcd.nih.gov/health/hearing/acoustic_neuroma.asp
i feel like i need to give it an official name. like henry or joe. for some reason all the names that come to me are male, so i guess maybe i don't think tumors are female? hhmm.

& here is a link to the osu medical center website to check out my doc (dr bradley welling). he's the chair of the department! hi-ho!
http://medicalcenter.osu.edu/research/department/otolaryngology/Pages/index.aspx

folks, i'm having a really super duper hard time with this information, this pending surgery. nearly every time i say to myself: i have a brain tumor, i cry. i cried immediately when i woke up this morning. i cried until we decided to leave the house. keeping my mind busy & off the topic at hand is a really good thing. i may even get into cleaning finally! lol. my parents hustled down here last night to comfort us & give us some respite from the daily grind with the girls. addy is with them until saturday, which she is STOKED about.

tomorrow's plans begin with finding someone to write me a prescription for a zanix or something of the like b/c if this anxiety keeps up, i will have a heart condition to deal with as well! i'm not going to go into detail of all the horrific roads my imagination is taking me down, but i need to feel god now more than ever. so if you're a praying person (& even if you're not, do it anyway, damn it), pray for me, that god will give me peace & comfort & a clear head. that the surgeons will be top notch & complications minimal.

i am really bummed about this. i was really envisioning this summer being one free of illness & full of time spent outdoors, being together as a family, etc. & now i will spend probably 6-ish weeks inside, maybe even in bed (if my balance is slow coming back to life). i was asking for a bike with a trailer for my birthday (in mid july) & now i may not even be able to ride a bike again for awhile. it's all messed up & if i miss amelia's first birthday b/c i have a head turban on, i'm going to be pissed (yea, i'll more likely be depressed, but we'll deal with that then).

if it was not for that first crappy eye exam that forced me to go to yet another eye doctor, who noticed my inflamed optic nerves, who then sent me to see an optical neurologist, who suggested i get an mri done...well, i would have no idea that this was going on, that this tumor was growing into my brain. okay, except for the near-constant ringing in my ear & the painful headaches & ear tenderness, & dizziness & imbalance. lol. but i was dealing with it, ya know?