hope ??

first off, we had a birthday party for my dad last saturday. he was adamantly refused a party with his friends, so it was just the kids, spouses, & grandgirls...& we had a great time, of course. we have a video that i hope to upload/download/export (whatever) to the computer for all to see when we sang happy birthday...so cute with 4 wee girls singing (okay, so amelia didn't sing, but she probably was in her heart, *smile*).

here is the cluster of 3-3-ish year olds: chloe, adeline, leila, zoe (to clarify, leila is not 3-ish). yes, yes, there is ice cream cake (not gluten free <> but i brought gf brownies, so all was okay)

  

part of the gang, cal (his back to the camera), my dad, wes, kristi

  

my dad's birthday isn't until later this week, so you all have plenty of time to wish him a happy mid-century birthday! (lol, sorry dad).

***

so last friday was just terrible, terrible, terrible. it involved many tears & built-up frustration & just plain orneriness from my girls. it's like i woke up & COULD NOT HANDLE how messy & dirty our house is constantly. couldn't handle it when amelia dumped out $8 worth of gf corn cereal all over the floor...for those who don't know, 'gorilla munch' turns to some sugary powder mess when stepped on & crushed. a powder that does not come off unless the kids are put into the bath. a powder that still has our kitchen floor sticky, making a terrible stick-noise when walking on it. ugh. it was just a terrible day, all around.

it's days like that when i despise my decision to stay at home, leaving a career & such. i mean, i'm most often not all sour about being a homemaker (which i think sounds much better than 'stay at home mom' b/c that just seems to imply that i stay at home & twiddle my thumbs...which i wish was true! *smile*)...but some days it just hits me: i'm tired of being in this house, i'm tired of always thinking about diaper rashes & snacks & tired of etc, etc etc. one thing that i have continuously struggled with is that i don't have a place to escape on a moment's notice. the mall playground doesn't work at amelia's age (she just runs out of the playground after 5 minutes--*not* relaxing). i guess, it's just many things that are adding up to a constant struggle...i am fighting to regain my health, balance, energy, how to keep the house clean with a destroyer droid living with me (amelia), how to have a few moments to myself when i have a non-napping preschooler, how to re-learn baking & meal planning/cooking with a toddler on my hip & *sticky* gf foods stuck to my free hand. 

so here is me admitting that i am very much struggling right now. i am struggling to keep my head above it all (poor health, meals, cleaning, financial strains, allergy problems with adeline & myself, medication side effects for me, constant muscle & joint pain, a tantrumming-destroying-adorable toddler, working on speech & motor skills with adeline, trying to find time to chat with my husband, etc). the freakin list could go on & on. i never thought this whole parenting & not working thing would be easy, i didn't even think it would be semi-easy. but i didn't think it would break me, drown me, push the heidi out of heidi. 

ugh.

with that known, my parents offered to take amelia for a few days. so i'm destroyer-droid free today & maybe most of tomorrow. & this is where the hope, the title of this post, comes in. this toddler free time has highlighted that this is a phase in life, that in 2 years amelia will be 3 1/2 & mostly out of the destroying stage. life could resume some level of sanity. who knows if i'll be healthy by then, i'm done trying to predict that. but i do know that it will get here.

i am sooo not one of those parents who keep telling myself to enjoy this stage you know, b/c 'one day they'll be grown up kids & i'll miss them being babies'. b/c i'm being honest with myself: i don't really dig the whole baby & toddler stages! i mean, i love beyond words my girls. but heavens to murgatory (is that the correct spelling??), i am just ready for kid time. lol, i'm also ready for me-only time, but i don't think that's coming any time soon so i'm just hoping-wishing-praying-dreaming of the year when both girls go off to school & i have a few hours a day to think. to clean, bake, put a puzzle together, plan out our garden, snowshoe around in the park, etc etc etc. i know i'll miss the girls that year when they're off at school & such but i also know myself, which means i will be loving the time alone. so i have something to selfishly look forward to...the year when i call in all my break & lunch times that i have worked through, all the vacation time i have missed. 

i know this sounds selfish. parenting is to give of yourself, blah blah blah. but parenting is not a time when i become of puddle of mud that everyone steps on. or a puddle of corn cereal sugar powder that makes your shoes squeak when stepped on...gosh, i am just worn out right now.

i need patience & more hope raining down on me from heaven to get through this. here is me saying i can't do this on my own, without god's help, without my family being there to take over when needed for an hour, day--or two--or a week (*smile*). it does take a freakin village to raise a kid b/c mom & dad would lose their mind if not. am i right? i can't be the only parent ready to ship my kids off the gypsy traders (huge tangent: my grandma was once kidnapped by gypsies! seriously.) when a day turns so bad that i begin to think that griswold may just be the best child care provider option instead of myself.

***

anyway, today is much better. i had a few good cries about it all & now that i have hope it's better. & we made some pizza crust last night that actually was pretty good. as in, i wouldn't know the difference, wouldn't know that it was gf dough. woah, serious stuff here. then wes got all crazy in the kitchen & made some gf white bread in the bread machine (we finally have tracked down all the crazy ingredients...it took forever!)

wes made me some white gf bread last night. it was scrumptious. i *heart* my husband.

i tore into this bread like i hadn't eaten white bread in weeks. oh wait, that's the truth... so i covered a warm piece in butter & honey & devoured it. i plan on a blt for lunch. seriously, a sandwich! how crazy is that?! then maybe a toasted cheese sandwich tomorrow. then maybe bread pudding, oh my oh my.

& yes, i miss my wee amelia. 

adeline misses her beyond words! she cries, literally, saying: i want my millie (which sounds like: i wan myyyy mi-wee) & last night she woke up twice crying about it all. she even had to crawl in bed with us! i can think of ONE other time adeline has been so upset that she was brought to our bed for lack of any other option. (wes took her back after an hour b/c adeline is such a bed hog & sleep-kicker). i'm sure amelia is missing us also, but she's with one of her favorite people in the entire universe (my mom) so...i'm not too worried. 

now i'm off to finish my cup of coffee & read a few pages before leaving to pick up adeline. *sigh* amazing. is this really how it will be in 2 years, every day? a few hours to myself? i mean, our house could be *clean*! i could actually know what is going on around the world! i could have interests besides diaper rashes, skin rashes, etc etc...