back to the basics

i don't exactly remember when that phrase, back to the basics, was used in my world. was it something my dad said while coaching? maybe something to do with math or just education in general? (& i didn't do well at either of those, sports or math, so...) i guess it's similar to KISS (keep it simple stupid) & that's where i fit in right now. 

i've been thinking a lot lately about myself a year ago, preparing for this surgery, having surreal moments when i heard myself tell someone: there's this tumor in my head & it's name is harold *smile*. my brain felt fresh air for 6 or 7 hours. remembering gives me a chill, the good kind that is my brain--that felt fresh air, right--telling me: you are lucky there was a surgery to remove that tumor. this is good & yep, life is grand.

& i've been thinking about what it means to be content with not just my life but simply, life. letting go of expectations for careers, what i can or can't eat, where & what i do for god, my personal limits (why do i have to be so shy? why can't i suck it up--dealing with blood & needles--& go back to school to be a nurse? why does my autoimmune system suck? will my muscles ever let me go backpacking again?) & the limits of everyone around me. so  maybe i'm awkwardly shy around most people but others speak or write without thinking, so...limits.

the place i'm in now is a good one. i'm not in a state of depression or weird giddy-happiness, just figuring some things out. i've found myself the past month letting loose with my girls in a way i haven't been able to do, physically or emotionally, in awhile. it's truly fun to chase after giggling adeline & amelia monsters, to jump on addy's wee little bike & race her while she's on the tricycle. i'm on the floor building cushion forts-spaceships-rocketships while griswold is licking my head (why? i have no clue. he has some problems...).

so our car super-duper broke down on my birthday, which screwed up wes' ability to do much beyond breakfast in bed as a gift to me. & the day of my birthday bash, wes & i got into a huge fight about all of that & it was just a shitty shitty shitty start to what should have been--& was, in the end--a fun day. again, i just have to let go of expectations, forgive & understand more.

maybe my desire to be more content has fueled me to remember more clearly one of hte first moments of waking up from the general anesthetic & being in so much pain that i honestly thought i was dying. & in that moment i felt god like no other time or second in my life. it was like i was surrounded in love & comfort & beauty & all worries of this life were *gone*. i mean, i was on morphine a few minutes later, so i know what that morphine high feels like & then how this felt...comparatively, totally different. anyway, so this moment of god embracing me, for lack of better explanation!, in my pain was amazing & nothing has or ever will compare to that. just recently--last month--i had a dream of this moment again & simply remembering it more clearly has resulted in me allowing myself to be joyful in the daily things, in my disappointments, in anger, while dealing with things or people or situations i don't like--all of this doesn't compare to what is to come. so when i find myself frustrated or hurt or whatever this memory just hits me like a ton of bricks: this life is temporary. get out of it what i can: joy, laughter, the beauty of earth, the silliness & innocence of children. 

having 3 kids in the house some days both kills my energy and allows me to remember that this is how we are to live our lives, in wonder of it all. enjoying it, laughing at the hair growing out of mommy's chin (thanks for that, adeline, *smile*).

anyway, i've rambled on enough. maybe i'm just in the muck of all this *thinking* b/c i'm sick today. i'm pretty sure it's an ear infection & i had an appointment with dr im today about some of my other medication & totally didn't even notice this until i got home an hour later after some errands & driving all over THE BIG SCARY HIGHWAY, as addy calls it. why didn't i notice before going to a doctor that i have a 101 temperature?! that my ear feels like it's going to explode... ah well. somehow instead of getting all pissy about being sick i'm like' hey, now i have a great excuse to just sit around & play with puzzles & build fort cushions & do sudoku.

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in other news, amelia is just out of this world ornery lately. it's actually funny to observe but is highly annoying also. she's entering that great 2-years-old phase of tantrums but there's something else...a glimmer in her eye as she's trying not to smile when she's doing something a wee bit naughty. it totally cracks me up & i'm trying to get a picture of her in this moment but i'm sure you can just take a guess if you've been around a two year old at any point. yesterday she jumped out of a moving snow-sled onto concrete, today she launched herself out of her car seat, into addy's car seat & then quickly buckled herself in as addy stood there in a silent scream...there's just endless stories of amelia's tenacity to do things that seem a bit terrifying or naughty. love it, seriously. she just doesn't have any caution--i wonder when the trip to the er for that upcoming broken bone will be?

& adeline is reminding me soo much of ramona quinby lately. she has begun interacting with much older kids in the neighborhood while we're walking & will suddenly start talking to herself as if they are interacting back with her (is that making sense?). i mean, she just jumps right into this imaginative world where she is a big kid with big kid adventures & then will suddenly take off on her bike like the world is hers. she's just at this all-knowing, imaginative age...i love sitting outside her door during her 'quiet time'--which is not at all quiet--& listen to what's in her brain at that moment. good stuff.

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& being a nanny? well, it's sorta like getting paid to do something i'm already doing half the time. sure, there's another kid thrown in the mix, a baby at that, but i'm still just walking around with a kid on my hip, preparing food for the hungry wolves that are kids, cleaning up things that come out of their bodies, laying on the floor so much that i start to look like griswold. there are super good days, then super bad ones but mostly just days that are normal & full.

must go, amelia is now fully awake & thrashing her crib to bits...