the past few weeks i have been sick. it's just a cold! a stupid, routine, winter time cold. but it has kicked my ass around & put me down. i had a fever, aches & chills, a horribly raw sore throat, laryngitis, super snot, & finally pink eye. yea, who knew one could get pink eye from a virus? i was like: why can't i open my eyes?! gah!!!
i'm mostly better now. as one person put it, being sick kinda made me lose my will to fight. not literal fighting, but the will to deal with most everything head on...addy & amelia were so sweet (mostly!), giving me impromptu back rubs that they said would make me feel better. at least it made me feel emotionally better, right? they would also bring me some of their snacks or an m&m, telling me this will help. amelia would bring me some oils, saying i need to put on the mommy medicine because it makes her feel better.
*smile* i love my girls! of course, there are the moments when being sick when even the slightest infraction on their part sends them into bedroom time out (which is the worst punishment for them...oh the tears & shrieks that come when they are sent to their bedrooms).
i guess the point is that they have previously seen me sick, or at least not able to do much. (talking about after my surgery, so i think addy remembers this more than amelia) & now again, but this time with just a stubborn virus. i think i am able to talk about the daily pain that i have in a way that doesn't affect them (you know, daddy is the one to help them cross the monkey bars because it will hurt my muscles. or i need to rest more today. or teaching them to stretch alongside me when my muscles are spasmodic & tight).
the past few months my fibromyalgia has been worsening--hello stress, right?--& i know i am doing less than i used to with them. but somehow they understand & i keep asking myself, is that good or bad? or is it more in between?
i just don't want them to see me as constantly vulnerable, weak. would vulnerable mom be on a continuum?
as an adult, i see my mom's vulnerable side, fighting off cancer & enduring chemo...it's difficult. i have learned to only read her blog when at home, mostly when the girls aren't around because i will cry & cry & cry. not because she is writing anything particularly horrible--actually, she's pretty funny & strong about it all--but just to know she's in pain, that her body is fighting off cancer. i see her vulnerable. & as an adult i can think logically about it...
see where i'm going?
anyway. i remember every spring watching my mom out with a shovel, her hair in a small pony tail (it's the ONLY time she ever put her hair up, rather cute, i thought) digging up weeds or digging in a new flower bed. she could be in her flower gardens all day, coming inside to drink a gallon of water, eat a piece of fruit or a baked potato & then back outside.
or the times she would clean the entire house in the matter of hours.or knowing she would be the last one standing after a day of shopping, looking for that perfect & elusive sale.
i just miss all of that right now & that's okay. i'm just trying to get my head around all the different angles of this, trying to get ahead of this idea of me being vulnerable, my mom being vulnerable...lessening the impact on the double a's.
stress can be rather terrifying, eh?
***
we have started to skype with my parents, though. safe to say the girls are overjoyed about this. i think my parents only see & hear them half the time, as the girls are constantly moving around, not talking towards the microphone, & running off to find something to show my parents.
so the other night, wes set up the card table so the girls could have dinner with my parents, skype style.
pay no attention to the paper mess. (it is actually looking rather clean on this day)
soon enough, we will all have pancakes & sausage together again. until then, this works.
***
& now for some pictures:
dancing amelia. she loves to dance & groove...
amelia made a contraption that supposedly expedited putting away crayons (it did not, but it was fun)
also, wes has this habit of changing the camera setting to manual focus. i don't realize this until i have uploaded photos a few days later. ARGH.
amelia at her last ballet class
adeline the ballerina, out of focus, but happy
the two ballerinas
& now off to do laundry. & dust.
end note: i am now attributing several things to the gerbick side of the genes:
i'm mostly better now. as one person put it, being sick kinda made me lose my will to fight. not literal fighting, but the will to deal with most everything head on...addy & amelia were so sweet (mostly!), giving me impromptu back rubs that they said would make me feel better. at least it made me feel emotionally better, right? they would also bring me some of their snacks or an m&m, telling me this will help. amelia would bring me some oils, saying i need to put on the mommy medicine because it makes her feel better.
*smile* i love my girls! of course, there are the moments when being sick when even the slightest infraction on their part sends them into bedroom time out (which is the worst punishment for them...oh the tears & shrieks that come when they are sent to their bedrooms).
i guess the point is that they have previously seen me sick, or at least not able to do much. (talking about after my surgery, so i think addy remembers this more than amelia) & now again, but this time with just a stubborn virus. i think i am able to talk about the daily pain that i have in a way that doesn't affect them (you know, daddy is the one to help them cross the monkey bars because it will hurt my muscles. or i need to rest more today. or teaching them to stretch alongside me when my muscles are spasmodic & tight).
the past few months my fibromyalgia has been worsening--hello stress, right?--& i know i am doing less than i used to with them. but somehow they understand & i keep asking myself, is that good or bad? or is it more in between?
i just don't want them to see me as constantly vulnerable, weak. would vulnerable mom be on a continuum?
as an adult, i see my mom's vulnerable side, fighting off cancer & enduring chemo...it's difficult. i have learned to only read her blog when at home, mostly when the girls aren't around because i will cry & cry & cry. not because she is writing anything particularly horrible--actually, she's pretty funny & strong about it all--but just to know she's in pain, that her body is fighting off cancer. i see her vulnerable. & as an adult i can think logically about it...
see where i'm going?
anyway. i remember every spring watching my mom out with a shovel, her hair in a small pony tail (it's the ONLY time she ever put her hair up, rather cute, i thought) digging up weeds or digging in a new flower bed. she could be in her flower gardens all day, coming inside to drink a gallon of water, eat a piece of fruit or a baked potato & then back outside.
or the times she would clean the entire house in the matter of hours.or knowing she would be the last one standing after a day of shopping, looking for that perfect & elusive sale.
i just miss all of that right now & that's okay. i'm just trying to get my head around all the different angles of this, trying to get ahead of this idea of me being vulnerable, my mom being vulnerable...lessening the impact on the double a's.
stress can be rather terrifying, eh?
***
we have started to skype with my parents, though. safe to say the girls are overjoyed about this. i think my parents only see & hear them half the time, as the girls are constantly moving around, not talking towards the microphone, & running off to find something to show my parents.
so the other night, wes set up the card table so the girls could have dinner with my parents, skype style.
pay no attention to the paper mess. (it is actually looking rather clean on this day)
soon enough, we will all have pancakes & sausage together again. until then, this works.
***
& now for some pictures:
dancing amelia. she loves to dance & groove...
amelia made a contraption that supposedly expedited putting away crayons (it did not, but it was fun)
also, wes has this habit of changing the camera setting to manual focus. i don't realize this until i have uploaded photos a few days later. ARGH.
amelia at her last ballet class
adeline the ballerina, out of focus, but happy
the two ballerinas
& now off to do laundry. & dust.
end note: i am now attributing several things to the gerbick side of the genes:
- adeline is eating constantly & sleeping about 12 hours. read: growth spurt AGAIN. i think she's well on her way to being grandma sue-tall (6'1) or wes-tall (6'4"). soon, i will be the shortest one of the family, i just know it...because:
- amelia is also eating constantly (& when i say constantly, i mean eating several breakfasts, 1 can of black beans daily w/ rice, etc. my girls can eat, i'm tellin' ya) & trying to sleep, but mostly becomes tired at around 11 a.m. then refuses to nap. again, read: growth spurt, yet again.
- adeline is preoccupied with picking out her next american girl doll, her namesake, addy. then she says the next doll will be kit.
- adeline karate kicked a boy at the rec center; she even said HIIII-YA! i'm not sure who to attribute this to, so i guess i'm just throwing this out there for debate. in her defense, the boy was fake kicking her, so she just used her kicking abilities (learned from school? her friend, e. who takes karate?) to fend away an annoying boy.
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