now that i've gone through two pregnancies, i have a general idea of what each trimester & month of pregancy feels like. all women who have been pregnant have to remember certain things...the positive pregnancy test, the first time your pants don't button, peeing every 30 minutes (or more!), the tight belly skin that itched me like crazy....i am trying my hardest to avoid mentioning all the ailments my body put me through during those combined 19 months of pregnancy.
let me first clarify: i love my girls!
now that i've said that... i despised being pregnant & i am not so much a baby-person. now when i see a pregnant woman, i don't feel what most mothers or women in general feel. you know, i've heard from so many other females that they lovingly look at prego's with desire of being pregnant & how cute they look, etc. when i spy a prego, i sort of shudder. not b/c they look miserable or terrible but b/c my memory is sparked & i can nearly taste the chicken noodle soup, crackers, & ginger ale that i lived on during amelia's pregnancy (& then the vomit) & then the intense tiredness & discomfort i felt with adeline. i know it's not really 'vogue' to talk poorly of pregnancy b/c yea, you're creating another human, etc etc BLAH BLAH BLAH (sort of like right now you have to fully support all things breastfeeding...but that is a whole separate post!). the truth is that some women have a terrible, miserable pregnancy & that needs to be acknowledged & i certainly do my part in sharing this!
anyway, so when i see prego's, i shudder, right? & i do so knowing that i do not want any more biological kids (wes & i are both entertaining the thought of adopting a boy from the foster care system in 5 or 6 years). this thought is totally okay with me, knowing i am not going to hold my own newborn again, or go through labor & delivery again, or 'try for a boy' as some might ask. i don't become oddly/motherly jealous of women with tiny infants, i don't find the tiny newborn cry adorable. i don't miss the newborn stage where they are dependent on parents for everything. (millie is thankfully leaving that stage quickly). i don't even really feel intense sadness that amelia is nearly crawling. & wes totally is in agreement with me on all these points. we just don't get into the whole baby-love sweep of emotion. we are not baby people & we have realized this after two kids.
we were talking about this the other night & are wondering if we are missing something as parents... you know, are we too selfish? have our expectations a bit too high? but in reality, we have produced two girls who are very active, spirited, independent (yes, amelia & adeline will prove to you that a baby can desire independence at such an age of 6 months or less). they desire such a consistent daily routine that can not be deviated from easily. ..& that is not me. i have adapted to wes' daily regiment of eating at the same time, etc etc...but when it's a kid that only sleeps in her crib at a certain time in the day, well, it wears on me. (sure, amelia will fall asleep sans crib, but she has to be exhausted & then she won't sleep very long in that new location).
up until today i didn't really talk about this with a lot of others. today my friend, judy & i went to a nearby park with our wee ones. she has a 7 month old, elliott...he is just the picture of a cute baby boy, really. since he is so close to amelia's age, i can't help but see the differences in the two & judy & i have laughed about this often. i think today, as we walked home from the park & i was doing everything in my manipulative mama powers to keep adeline from melting down & as amelia screamed at the top of her lungs the.entire.way.home...& then i look over at ellilott who was already asleep in his stroller & who can fall asleep or eat anywhere b/c did i mention that millie nearlly always has to be in THE ROCKING CHAIR IN HER ROOM TO TAKE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE? anyway, as i saw the huge difference in these babies...i didn't laugh anymore. it seems i reached my breaking point & was ready to cry & yell & just lose it in general. thankfully, judy was there to distract my thoughts of 'why are my children so regimented? why are they so strong willed? why can't they be more flexible?' blah blah blah.
& so here it is: i can't wait for amelia's first birthday. i love her now, i love her like any parent loves & adores their baby-child...but i am looking forward to a time when she is less dependent on me for her every need. wes talks about this often with me. we of course, lull her to sleep when she wakes up at night from teething or earache pain...but we don't desire for life to be like this always.
even as i'm typing this i'm sorta getting teary-eyed b/c it's hard to admit that a mother doesn't desire to dote on her baby till the ends of the earth. i'm sure other parents feel this way...but often when i mention something like this to other parents, the reply is "just wait until they tell you they hate you or want a different mommy or talk back to you or move out or get something done to their body' or or or. funny thing is, i'm so sure that adeline has already told me in her way of talking that she hates me & wants a new mommy! she already has this slew of talk-back gibberish when i tell her something she doesn't like. & i sorta find it endearing! it proves to me that she is her own person with her own personality & thoughts. yea, a baby is telling me this by crying, but wow, do i find it more annoying, lol.
so what do i like about babies & about my girls as babies? well, i love the way they smell, yup, even the milk burps & summer heat sweaty-smell. love it, wish i could bottle it up & spray it on them until they turn 18. i love the look of learning something new (but i think that will continue as they mature, eh? let's hope so, lol!). i love the light-up-the-room smile when they see me in the morning (i KNOW tween or teen is not going to give me that!). i also love the rawness of their attitude; toddlers just tell you how it is, even if they can't talk (wait, i think teens do that also, wait, i think kids of all ages do that...). anyway, there are for sure more things i love about my girls, but i especially love that they are growing & maturing & will not depend on me to feed them, change the diapers, & pick their nose for much longer. i am cherishing this time as a mama little ones & i am trying to keep the good & even the not so good events fresh through this blog so i can look back & read all these stories & good times again & again. yes, i cherish my girls, there is no doubt about that...but i also don't think it's anti-mama love to hold onto the desire for preschool. i know, it goes by so fast, so hold onto them tight... hhmm, there has to be a medium point of view out there somewhere.
let me first clarify: i love my girls!
now that i've said that... i despised being pregnant & i am not so much a baby-person. now when i see a pregnant woman, i don't feel what most mothers or women in general feel. you know, i've heard from so many other females that they lovingly look at prego's with desire of being pregnant & how cute they look, etc. when i spy a prego, i sort of shudder. not b/c they look miserable or terrible but b/c my memory is sparked & i can nearly taste the chicken noodle soup, crackers, & ginger ale that i lived on during amelia's pregnancy (& then the vomit) & then the intense tiredness & discomfort i felt with adeline. i know it's not really 'vogue' to talk poorly of pregnancy b/c yea, you're creating another human, etc etc BLAH BLAH BLAH (sort of like right now you have to fully support all things breastfeeding...but that is a whole separate post!). the truth is that some women have a terrible, miserable pregnancy & that needs to be acknowledged & i certainly do my part in sharing this!
anyway, so when i see prego's, i shudder, right? & i do so knowing that i do not want any more biological kids (wes & i are both entertaining the thought of adopting a boy from the foster care system in 5 or 6 years). this thought is totally okay with me, knowing i am not going to hold my own newborn again, or go through labor & delivery again, or 'try for a boy' as some might ask. i don't become oddly/motherly jealous of women with tiny infants, i don't find the tiny newborn cry adorable. i don't miss the newborn stage where they are dependent on parents for everything. (millie is thankfully leaving that stage quickly). i don't even really feel intense sadness that amelia is nearly crawling. & wes totally is in agreement with me on all these points. we just don't get into the whole baby-love sweep of emotion. we are not baby people & we have realized this after two kids.
we were talking about this the other night & are wondering if we are missing something as parents... you know, are we too selfish? have our expectations a bit too high? but in reality, we have produced two girls who are very active, spirited, independent (yes, amelia & adeline will prove to you that a baby can desire independence at such an age of 6 months or less). they desire such a consistent daily routine that can not be deviated from easily. ..& that is not me. i have adapted to wes' daily regiment of eating at the same time, etc etc...but when it's a kid that only sleeps in her crib at a certain time in the day, well, it wears on me. (sure, amelia will fall asleep sans crib, but she has to be exhausted & then she won't sleep very long in that new location).
up until today i didn't really talk about this with a lot of others. today my friend, judy & i went to a nearby park with our wee ones. she has a 7 month old, elliott...he is just the picture of a cute baby boy, really. since he is so close to amelia's age, i can't help but see the differences in the two & judy & i have laughed about this often. i think today, as we walked home from the park & i was doing everything in my manipulative mama powers to keep adeline from melting down & as amelia screamed at the top of her lungs the.entire.way.home...& then i look over at ellilott who was already asleep in his stroller & who can fall asleep or eat anywhere b/c did i mention that millie nearlly always has to be in THE ROCKING CHAIR IN HER ROOM TO TAKE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE? anyway, as i saw the huge difference in these babies...i didn't laugh anymore. it seems i reached my breaking point & was ready to cry & yell & just lose it in general. thankfully, judy was there to distract my thoughts of 'why are my children so regimented? why are they so strong willed? why can't they be more flexible?' blah blah blah.
& so here it is: i can't wait for amelia's first birthday. i love her now, i love her like any parent loves & adores their baby-child...but i am looking forward to a time when she is less dependent on me for her every need. wes talks about this often with me. we of course, lull her to sleep when she wakes up at night from teething or earache pain...but we don't desire for life to be like this always.
even as i'm typing this i'm sorta getting teary-eyed b/c it's hard to admit that a mother doesn't desire to dote on her baby till the ends of the earth. i'm sure other parents feel this way...but often when i mention something like this to other parents, the reply is "just wait until they tell you they hate you or want a different mommy or talk back to you or move out or get something done to their body' or or or. funny thing is, i'm so sure that adeline has already told me in her way of talking that she hates me & wants a new mommy! she already has this slew of talk-back gibberish when i tell her something she doesn't like. & i sorta find it endearing! it proves to me that she is her own person with her own personality & thoughts. yea, a baby is telling me this by crying, but wow, do i find it more annoying, lol.
so what do i like about babies & about my girls as babies? well, i love the way they smell, yup, even the milk burps & summer heat sweaty-smell. love it, wish i could bottle it up & spray it on them until they turn 18. i love the look of learning something new (but i think that will continue as they mature, eh? let's hope so, lol!). i love the light-up-the-room smile when they see me in the morning (i KNOW tween or teen is not going to give me that!). i also love the rawness of their attitude; toddlers just tell you how it is, even if they can't talk (wait, i think teens do that also, wait, i think kids of all ages do that...). anyway, there are for sure more things i love about my girls, but i especially love that they are growing & maturing & will not depend on me to feed them, change the diapers, & pick their nose for much longer. i am cherishing this time as a mama little ones & i am trying to keep the good & even the not so good events fresh through this blog so i can look back & read all these stories & good times again & again. yes, i cherish my girls, there is no doubt about that...but i also don't think it's anti-mama love to hold onto the desire for preschool. i know, it goes by so fast, so hold onto them tight... hhmm, there has to be a medium point of view out there somewhere.
ok...so I laughed at your "non-desire to be pregnant" paragraph. Wouldn't go back there either! Oh, the taste of chicken noodle soup vomit. Yummier the second time. ;)
ReplyDeleteyes! it does taste the same the 2nd time... what do they put in that stuff that it can resist stomach acid?
ReplyDeleteI agree with many of your points...and I'm someone who is opposite you in that I really enjoyed being pregnant, and having toddlers has always scared me much more than having a baby (it's that whole ability to talk back and choose not to do what I want them to "). I love a schedule, I get antsy if Audrey doesn't nap at the same time, because that's when I've scheduled it in my mind. Some days I, too, just can't wait until she can eat on her own without me having to assist and clean up, play or read a book on her own, or even play in the backyard on her own (right now rocks and other dangerous things are immediately put into her mouth). You didn't miss anything, sometimes even us super-duper moms (I include all my girlfriends in that title) reach our threshold of "guiding our babes through the world patiently" and just want them to run off and do it on their own.
ReplyDeleteI am with you - HATED being pregnat. I do not want to do the little baby stuff (night time wake ups, constant bottles/nursing or the need for every second attention). Em is indepedant too and I LOVE it. She can play by herself for up to an hour. I love her now, but think I still look forward to when her age is measured in years, not months. Sigh. She will eat what we eat and I won't keep diapers, wipes and a burp cloth in my purse.
ReplyDeleteI'm not a baby person either, and some days I think my head might start spinning. So I remind myself that someday I will miss certain things, like the cuddles and kisses and generally unfettered love my kids have for me. But it doesn't mean I don't look forward to preschool days and nap times. Take some pressure off yourself and embrace who you are. You may be a parent who really enjoys the older ages; why wouldn't that be okay?
ReplyDeleteUm yeah, I totally shudder at one look at a prego... I do not envy any of them. It is no secret, that while I adore my girls also, I'm not exactly a fan of being pregnant again. Pregnancy for me = being uncomfortable in your own skin, swollen legs and feet and itchy skin. And I don't think I'm a very big baby person either. I mean they're all right, but there are only so many things to do with a wee one like sleeplessly change it's diaper and wipe up spit up and feed it... again. I totally hear ya Heidi!
ReplyDelete