anniversary

an unpublished post from last wednesday...somehow thought i published it, but didn't???

***
 a year ago today...part of my skull was removed & by this time dr welling was finding the (acoustic neuroma) tumor, which i named harold, & was removing it, piece by piece. i woke up this morning to take my morning dose of pills--okay, correction: wes woke me up this morning & gave me my pills (yes, what a man)--& thought to myself, this was after that stupid & painful central line was inserted. after i was given some drugs to calm me down. i was so scared...quietly crying, trembling. good stuff, right? & finally the calm-me-down drugs started to work, i was wheeled into the OR, & i remember dr welling saying something to the anesthesiologist to the effect of: let's just put her out first then shave her head. then the very sweet anesthesiologist held my hand & told me i was in good hands, then dr welling smiled at me with just his eyes showing above the surgical mask & told me said something comforting & then i was told to count backwards from ten.

the next thing i knew, harold was gone, & the anesthesiologist was softly patting my cheeks, saying "sweet heidi, wake up"...i had so much pain meds in me at that point i didn't really feel much of anything but a great relief that i came out alive. there was this small chance that the surgery could somehow go terribly wrong & i could totally die--which of course, i kept telling myself leading up to the surgery that it wouldn't happen...but it was still a natural fear, right?

there are a few funny moments from that day...i remember in the surgery recovery room some older lady in a bed near me kept farting so loud, making the nurses laugh & me complain...i remember my family coming to visit me--but in my memory i have them all lined up in a row, like in a fish-eye picture, all blurred in together. but in reality, they were only allowed to come in 1 or 2 at a time. so somehow my mind just put them all together, with these goofy smiling faces. this was the place when i started to notice how much pain i was in & that my left ear sounded like someone was driving a lawn mower over my head--& when no one was talking it sounded like a waterfall was nearby. this was also the place where i woke up & thought i had to be dying & when jesus comforted me like heaven on earth.

i just can't believe it was a year ago. it seems like such an ordinary day. & as i'm sitting here, there is probably someone in the OSU SICU recovering from the same surgery with the same  ENT surgeon, anesthesiologist, & neurosurgeon.

i wish i could say i was back to what i was on july 27, 2009--but i'm not. i don't know if it's from the surgery or if the surgery just kicked my immune system so hard, forcing all these autoimmune troubles to flare up at once. i still can't feel most of the left side of my face, lips & tongue. on bad days, my  nose & left eye are numb; on good days my chin, lips & upper cheek are semi-awake with sensation. the tinnitus in my left ear was better 6 months ago & has suddenly started getting much worse the past few weeks. it again sounds like water is running if i'm talking to someone or on the phone or in a busy, loud place. *suck*   one thing that healed quickly was my balance. sure, they took a balance nerve out but my right side has adjusted to that loss & is now compensating. when i'm really tired or have a slight cold, i get very unbalanced quickly. if it's dark, i run into the walls or stumble a bit. if i've had a drink of alcohol, i know i need to have something to hold onto while walking. but it's really not that annoying. i know i can't close my eyes & not hold onto something for support. it's constant, so that's good--i know what to expect. i haven't tried riding a bike (well, i've taken addy's for a spin but she has training wheels!).

sooo...this year has been difficult.  i was so confused & angry at god for awhile, for letting or making me go through this...& in just the past few months he has given me more hope & joy & comfort in a way that only god can. i know one day i will have the energy & ability to garden like i used to, to play with my kids like i used to, to feel wes' kiss on my lips like i used to, to not hear this super loud ringing in my ear like i used to (okay, well, i used to have a very soft tinnitus, so...even that i would welcome back compared to what's ringing now)...

but it's also been a year of intense experiences, joyful times, sad times...but i think it has made me better, at least emotionally. it has given me perspective & that's always good. looking back, i can't believe how quickly the surgery site healed & never expected the setbacks that came (& are still hanging around).

so. a year ago today was intense & i'm super glad to be in the present...