to my four year old

dear adeline,

on the eve of your 4th birthday, i think i may have traumatized you: i told you a kid-friendly version of your birth story. you just looked at me wide eyed & would say "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?!" i didn't go into too  many details, but still, you just had a look of 'mommy peed the bed from water that kept me alive in her belly & then the next morning i was born?!'

i'm sorry. maybe i should've waited another year? *smile*

here is her birth announcement

we didn't include the size of your head. let's just say it was in around, ooohh, the 100th percentile. yea, ouch. i feel the need to include in this letter the story of my midwife & accompanying obstetrician (who wore a hawaiian shirt, btw...birth centers are so much more relaxed, apparently!) pushing & forcing my cervix around your head (as i was pushing through a contraction for the 2nd hour) so we wouldn't end up in an emergency c-section, putting me under general anesthesia.

anyway.

***

birth

adeline, you took my breath away when i first met you. the beauty, the wise looks. the way the nurse at the birthing center nicely explained to me that you were the first baby they had given a pacifier to in FIVE years (b/c you were crying so much). that took my breath away also, yes? but really, i fell in love with you instantly. this look you had, a near-wise direct gaze.

right after birth

a few days old. (really, you hardly slept, eyes open most of the time. the good times were when you were eating. then we had about 30 minutes of peace, then you would cry & cry & cry...*sigh*)

this was your favorite sleeping position: finger in your mouth, playing with your mop of beautiful golden hair.

almost two weeks old!

***

year one

we learned quickly that you are a force to be reckoned with...you loved your schedule. you loved to nurse. you loved to be off on your own, exploring. you do not like to wear denim, under any circumstances.

birthday party

the funny thing that i'm remembering right now is that you would refuse to eat anything sweet your first year. we tried to give you a piece of cake or a sucker or something tasty & you would adamantly refuse it (typically by flinging it to the floor). now you have such a sweet tooth. so i wonder if that means in a few years you'll like to wear jeans?!

on your birthday. we tried to get a cute picture of you in a birthday crown & you hated this idea...

***

year two

what a fun year this was, from age 2 to 3. yes, there were these massive tantrums that could go on for hours or an entire day... but you were learning so much. weekly you would astound me with your findings... have i mentioned how independent you were (well, still are). but this was the year you became INDEPENDENT & KIND.

you were introduced to your baby sister during this time & instead of acting out & wanting more attention, you loved that i had a distraction. you helped me in any way you could--as long as i didn't tell you what to do or not do. *smile*

you loved puzzles & books, oh my, the books. we would sit & read for hours. sometimes i thought the floor would give way under the pressure of the amount of books you heaped up beside me, ready to read.


at the park, on the day of your 2nd birthday.

***

year 3

aka: the year you began to talk. wow.

i honestly yearned to hear what you had to say about things. since you were a bit behind in talking, we would both get so frustrated at times, leading to us both crying & maybe even getting a few snuggles in here or there. then you started speech classes & within months we could see a difference. you went from a vocabulary of around 20, maybe 25 to saying 5 or 6 word sentences by the end of this year. wait, i need to also include your dissertations on life. they could be about fighting or sharing or being patient...

oh! & it's sorta like you have put your life in a musical. there's a song for so many thing that you do...& if there's not already a song, you will make one up, singing while you complete a task. i LOVE this, you inserting a soundtrack into daily life.

 ***

year 4

she picked this outfit out for her birthday...matched it & everything!
AND she picked this cake & the decoration out from a recipe website. & then she made sure i remembered that she wanted strawberries on top of her strawberry cake. this girl knows what she wants. this was taken at her birthday party. i know, awesome hair dye, eh?

***

to my dear adeline. my sweet adeline, my first wee baby to snuggle & love on. until we realized that he despised snuggling & your immediate & constant goal in life was to become as independent as possible. you love to pick out your own clothes in the store & every morning. you abhor us if we have to put the toothpaste on the toothbrush for you (which only happens when you fail to mention that you plan to take a poop in the toilet--the scenes of horror that follow when you sneek off to do your business, oh my). you still love music & dancing, or "moving your body" as you call it. you love figuring out the safest way possible to climb nearly anything or desire to be a gymnast, but still have to ask on occasion: mommy, what is a gymnast? you HATE failing in anything.

i have so much love bursting out of me, just for you & you only. it's like special adeline love, from your mommy. i can see how greatly you've matured this past year. i am well aware now that you have so much going on in your mind & you can finally talk about it all--so you are talking non-stop now (i don't know if i can accentuate just how much you are talking. seriously, there are few quiet minutes in the day...& you want to know about everything, not just 'why is the sky blue' but explain to me the reason of this or that & give a detailed explanation of this or that & who is this, how do you know him or her, when will i see them again, where does this food come from & how is it made, etc etc etc!). totally different from last year. i know what that gaze off into the distance means, last year i didn't. it means: what does it mean to be a star? why are there different colors? tell me what comes next. don't you have a map for this trip? how do i use this tool (*gasp* from me when i see her holding a saw, angling it eagerly towards her sister). just the other day you & your sister pounded FOUR real nails into the wall with your FAKE hammers while i was in the basement doing laundry.

*sigh*

when you get a thought or idea in your mind, it's hard for you to let it go (which leads me to believe that somehow we will be taking a vacation to a beach next year b/c that's all you want to do in your life right now: GO TO A BEACH & SEE THE OCEAN...b/c you say "i can't believe so much water is in one place!"). you are passionate & sweet spirited. you are for sure an extrovert, & we seem to clash in this respect...but i think we're learning.& the most heart melting thing of all right now is when you hug me & say: you in my heart, mommy.

& then you sometimes go off on this trail of other people you love or like, but then usually end with: daddy in my heart & amelia, too! & i in jesus's heart (only jesus sounds like: gee-gug--love that!).


i think i've been warned that this year is when the kid will start to pull away, want more independence...but what about kids who are already independent? even though you did try to talk me into leaving you at home ALONE the other day (soooo not going to happen, child), i think this will be a bonding year for you, with friends & with your family. your small self is learning to much, it blows me away...

so, you are in my heart, sweet adeline.

p.s: a super sweet thing you do is ask how my ear owie is doing, or how i am feeling today. & then you ask: can i help you feel better?

you already are, my love...