the good, the bad, the ugly returns

the good

christmas & all things surrounding christmas...the days & parties & shopping & baking & most everying went smoothly, with not much stress or over-thinking. the girls were beyond excited--maybe exuberantly delighted is better--every single day about the idea of giving gifts, questions about santa (which they know is not real, but still love to wonder & imagine it all), talking about baby jesus, & singing christmas songs. because you know, the best way to spread christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear. (that was for all elf fans...a-hem, bri).

so that's what they did! here they are at the christmas holiday program. the preschool had about 200 kids in the morning classes, invited all the parents & whomever else...into a room that only fits 400. we got there super early, with our party of 7 & snagged the front row! score one for gerbicks, eh?

& here they are, our little christmas caroling reindeer. 

here they are singing their version of where is thumpkin, inserting where is santa.

all of it was so freakin' adorable. amelia made it the entire way through both songs (love pete the cat) without crying or running off stage. very impressive.

then on christmas eve, in front of this awesome fire wes built, they opened the gifts from each other. & keeping with my family's tradition of saying something kind or thoughtful about their sibling before giving the gift--the girls told each other, very sweetly: i love you. *heart melt* it's so good because i do think they meant it, *smile*...the gifts they gave each other seem to be the ones they love the best, which is sweet that they know each other so well & can pick out (& spend their own money on!) a thoughtful gift. addy gave amelia a fur real cat (which amelia named jimmy) & amelia gave adeline a music box with an interchangeable ballerina & tinkerbell figurine (it also has a secret lock box under it, with an awesome key).

then christmas eve became very interesting, after the girls & paw-paw bruce went to bed & some wii games & karaoke were played/sang...a few days earlier i had heard some devastating news (more about that coming up in the ugly section), so my sister in law (bri), mother in law(sue) & i drank & danced until something like 1 in the morning. wes went to bed at some point, my brother in law (cliff) recorded some crazy moments of the night. i'm not sure if that video will ever be released because i was talking & talking & talking, with cliff asking me questions & laughing at me...then there's sue doing a milkshake dance (yes! she's actually pretty good) & then bri is de-pants (by her hubby). we listened to many songs from the mama mia (sue) soundtrack, some reba mcentire (bri), vampire weekend (me), wilson phillips (all of us), & i think some sugarland (bri?). then...i sorta fell into the christmas tree, sideswiping it, thought about how beautiful it looks from that vantage point & then was quickly whisked out of that situation by sue.

then! i was helped upstairs, bri carried & lifted me into bed, sue took off my bra & put cold cream on my face. i was totally blatzoed! as bri's mom said: i just needed to blow off some steam. moms are just so wise, eh? *smile*

the girls were awake some 4 hours later...i will spare you the pictures of me in the morning. but somehow i woke up totally fine, no hangover. gotta love that part of my genes.

it was a glorious christmas for everyone!

the bad

amelia woke up a week ago, sometime around 1 a.m. telling wes & i that her ear needs a band aid. we both knew immediately: ear infection. her ear tubes had officially fallen out by her 3 year check up, she had a severe sinus cold & cough...it was the perfect storm for a millie-ear infection.

thing is, she was just on antibiotics all of 10 days ago & since she's allergic to penicillin/amoxicillin, we have to go with the more hard-core of meds. dr. im was a bit hesitant at first to put her on antibiotics again, asking if we wanted to wait a few days--over christmas weekend--to see if it would clear up. we said we've been through this hell before & no, we don't want to wait. because she would be up everysinglehour at night without meds.

so she was put on zithromax...& holy hell! she's been on this before, so we sorta knew what we were up against: it turns the already feisty amelia in a wild animal, maybe sorta boar-like. she swings between snuggling & having no energy or ability to keep her eyes open to prowling around the house on all 4's, growling, head butting, tearing socks off people with her teeth...

i mean, holy hell, child. i'm not sure why the medicine interacts with her body this way but i'm almost at a point to just let her endure the hives & rash from amoxicillin (kidding!). really, it's quite hysterical but i'm sooooo glad she's off of it, finally. 5 days of 3 year old insanity (well, all 3 year olds are pretty wild, eh? it's sorta their baseline).

the ugly

the ugly is difficult to talk about because #1 it's about my mom & not me & #2 it's heart breaking. if you know anything about my parents, you know they have made it through all layers & types of hell as a married couple--anything the ugliness of sin can muster to sling at them, well, it has been slung, but sort of in an a-typical way. no one is an addict or abuser or cheater--the shit they walk through together is more created by others, circumstances of life. they are nearly a powerhouse of a couple, still laughing at each others jokes, hugging (my parents have hardly EVER kissed a peck to each other in front of their kids), trying their darnedest to beat each other on the wii... but they have made it to their 50's, a decade that we all celebrate for them because they get to enjoy vacations & grandchildren & adult children who still love & respect them, jobs they enjoy. & they still will, but now they get to go through this shit together: cancer.

& now please pardon my horrible, sailor like language. (as most folks except maybe christine or holli or kristi may know, when angry & before the vineyard, i knew how to swear with the best of the world's best cussers...so be prepared!)

the story goes like this: my mom had noticed some swollen lymph nodes, went to the doctor, who mostly brushed it off. then she found a breast lump in august & a mammogram was scheduled for late janurary. last week she found another breast lump. her doctor did some scans & declared it cancerous. then she was able to get into a local hospital to have a biopsy, but they said they were more optimistic it was not necessarily cancer.

that was last week. it was a horrible few days. i cried nearly an entire day. so that's why, on christmas eve, i released some stress via a not so great method, but effective! but we weren't certain it was cancer, so we were all optimistic.

tuesday night my parents spent the night & we played wii, then finished the night by watching the end of a documentary on theodore roosevelt (the gerwig-gerbicks know how to be rock stars). the next morning my mom got the news we all didn't want to hear, the cancer news. she is one of the strongest women i know. if anyone can make it through this, it's her. i mean, she nearly beat all of us in wii bowling! she had almost the youngest age in wii fit! (i was 64! WTF?!). my sister wrote something like 'stop all the clocks' & that's for real. it hurts in a way that most things never can--but somehow i know she will have strength like no one else. this is part of an email she sent to my brother, sister, & i:

I have spent a couple of months walking through the prophets again.  I can't help myself - I love them.  I had read Jeremiah, my main man, last fall and had just finished Ezekiel, read through Hebrews because you have to, because it is all tied together so nicely, then decided to continue with Daniel.  I had just finished the first 6 chapters again - the option Daniel chose to live a life set apart and holy - the 3 young men thrown into a fiery furnace - the lion's den -- all of them jumped out at me again.  While this was all happening the last couple of days, it was rolling around in my brain - I am not as strong as they were, but am hoping, praying, that my response will be the same as Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego -- that I will say to the God of heaven and those evils that are trying to overtake me:  

 ¹⁶ Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. ¹⁷ If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us^[c] from Your Majesty’s hand. ¹⁸ But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” 

I've lived long enough to say, I don't want this, I don't want this, I don't want this, but if I must my first response cannot be anger at God nor hurt feelings of Him not protecting me; instead I know whatever it is that this is about, I must say I will face this furnace and if He saves me wonderful; if not it is still good.  He has already given me more than I could ever have hoped for or wanted and if I get more, I will be grateful.  

I tell you that because I love my children deeply and want them to know that if this all ends up simple - great.  If it's not, I know a God that walks in the fiery furnace with you. I have 3 children that do right, live upright lives and honor their God - all on different levels, different ways, but it is true.  

And the more you walk it, study it, believe it, pray it, the more you have when things like this happen. 

It's still hard.  But everyone in their life at some point has to look into that furnace and everyone better have a speech prepared for that moment.  I watched Kristi and Heidi and Scotty and your dad all face enormous odds and pain and demons from the pit of hell, and I guess my thinking is yeah I'm sad, I'm scared, I'm weepy at times, but if they all faced the furnace, walked in, and walked out, I can do no less.  

the title of this email was: read alone, maybe. i failed miserably & read while at an indoor playground with 2 kids & cried & cried with parents looking nervously around at me & the 2 i was with. then i called a friend on the way home & sobbed my eyes out, with her kindly listening (you know, judy).

so the only caveat my mom gave me in sharing this info on the blog is this: pray.  so i will add my spin: when you read this, i don't give a shit (i took out flying fuck, people, just for my mom, lol) if you are agnostic or atheist or whatever, take your mind off yourself for a moment & pray. pray. pray. for miraculous healing. for wisdom with doctors & surgeons & technicians & for appointments & for a high tolerance for the medications & for god to go before my parents whenever & where ever. that jesus would scoop my mom up & handle her like a precious child she is to him. that my dad would be comforted. that this would only bring my siblings & i together more. for world peace (i just threw that one in there in case, you know?!).

ugh. one of the things that keeps me laughing & focused on other things is this & also my kids. wes has been there, a rock yet soft enough for me to hug.

so i must go, but please watch that last video link, about the crazy nastyass honey badger: oh it runs backwards?! it just takes whatever it wants.