struggles

i'm not sure how to start this post, except to say that i need to write it out. the past few weeks it seems those around me have been inundated with pain & sorrow & heartbreak. i have thisgod-given inclination to empathy--but then again i also have this totally human inclination to hardening myself to what's going on, a hard heart. 

the past few weeks my heart can't seem to harden, which is good in most ways. however, i am totally, utterly devastated. usually i can see god's light even in the shittiest circumstances. but not right now, not in so many different families.

my mom sent me this text referencing jeremiah 31...already i had underlined a third of it (meaning, i thought it important or applicable ??).  like this: for i will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them & give them joy for their sorrow (v.13). or: thsu says the lord, restrain your voice from weeping & your eyes from tears; for your work will be rewarded...there is hope for your future (v. 16/17).

this is what i need, to turn this sorrow into joy. it's not necessarily my sorrow, i guess just my sorrow for others & what they are going through. 

yet again, i turn to my mom, an email from her.

*

This is the fire that one walks through, and I don't know - but I do know - why you have to walk through that fire - but there is nothing but gold left when the fire has burned that hot.  Sadly, it's not gold as the world sees it, many times we do not recognize it as gold, but gold nonetheless, and some people are given the horrible privilege of seeing the curtain between heaven and earth lifted a little - and they also see the curtain between earth and hell opened a little, and they shudder and their mind closes for a while, but they have seen what many never will, and they may limp afterwards, but they have a golden knowledge that very few others do - the knowledge of good and evil and that - maybe if we are wise - it is the beginning of knowledge..... 

And that is the only antidote -- moving and loving and keeping your journey with God while cursing evil and trying to grasp it all.....  

How long oh Lord, how long must your people suffer under this evil and curse?   

*

first, let me say that i'm really super happy to come from someone with wisdom... *smile*

it's just so much easier to have that curtain lifted & see parts of heaven...like when i woke from my surgery & i KNOW i saw heaven, felt jesus holding me. it's unlike anything i have ever experienced--this total love & pure joy. & i have seen visions of jesus arriving & causing the demonic to leave--that, too keeps me from despairing most of the time.

but this time, why isn't this knowledge good enough? i keep having these dreams, most of my friends are in them at some point...often we are traveling through snake infested areas, trying to make our way to a certain place. (jeremiah 31:25/26. for i satisfy the weary ones & refresh everyone who languishes. at this point i {jeremiah} awoke & looked, & my sleep was pleasant to me.)...so i need that refreshing, god inspired sleep, yes. but i also need to focus on the good going around.

how adeline & amelia are totally loving the christmas season for what it is, joyous & filled with singing & giving.

that i love my family; that i am loved by my family.

i live in a comfy home, food is here, love is here, clean water & PILES of clothes (that should be laundered, oh my).

etc etc etc.

okay, thoughts? aside from: turn that frown upside down. i really get annoyed by fake (especially christian) one liners.

alright, now onto my to-do list.