resume the resume

about a month ago i mentioned to friends that i was interested in a part time job doing *something*. of course, the easiest would be to find a job in my (ahem, previous) line of work--social work. & the other day a friend called with a job prospect.

i'm excited & terrified all at the same time. so many questions, like how will we find child care for a part time job? do i need to dress up...b/c wow are my work clothes outdated (the last work clothes i wore generally were maternity or not considered usual office-style clothes per the environment i was in--things must be stretchy in case we had to chase &/or restrain a kid or play 4 square for hours on end).

so i'm here at home while wes took the girls to church (per me being sick last night, waking up with a rumbling stomach often. but somehow i feel better enough this morning to drink coffee & eat two gf chocolate glazed doughnuts. go figure. i hate my stomach)...so yes, here i am using this time to first shower & then get the resume started.

but instead i'm writing a blog post b/c i have no clue how to word things right now or how to get in touch with my previous supervisors for references or how to even think about finding child care. maybe i should just take the advice of a friend & offer to babysit in my home. but that sorta seems like the easy way out. so, is the easy way out sometimes the best? or just the easy way out of a difficult--but necessary--decision.

the odd thing is that my feelings of ambivalence aren't about who i'm going to be leaving my kids to it's more what i'm going to miss. will i miss important milestones? you know, those sorts of questions. i know my girls are sociable & it's not like suddenly they'd be with someone else for 50 hours a week (more like 16??). i guess we still have to figure out if we would be even making money after the cost of day care, right?

so how would you say: i chose to stay home with my kids for nearly 4 years. 

i didn't renew my professional license b/c it was too expensive to maintain.

i can't promise that i won't be crying for the first 3 weeks i am at work b/c i miss my girls.

i can't promise the next 3 weeks i won't be shouting with joy b/c i'm not at home all the time with the girls. (see the internal conflict here? lol)

really, i love taking care of adeline & amelia. i chose to do this, to stay at home with them, to give up furthering my career at this time & instead be the care-taker of my kids all the time. sometimes this job makes me want to go crazy, being a stay-at-home-mom. & if i wasn't feeling like crap a lot, maybe it would be very blissful right now. i mean, one kid is pretty much out of pull-ups, the other is starting to potty train & talk. one is in preschool for nearly 12 hours a week & the other is learning to create solo-play fun. i really enjoy the stages they are in & super-duperly enjoy being with them as they grow up.

but that wouldn't change if i worked & someone else was with them a few days a week. i would still see them every day. i'm just worried that i will be too exhausted to interact & play like i do during the day.

argh. better hop to this resume before the return of the 3 amigos...