ugh

so this is what being a parent is all about.

the girls have been less than pleasant the past week, for several reasons. amelia: she's two. she has a continuous cold/sinus infection/possible ear infection. adeline: her sister messes her stuff up. her mom yells at her for not picking up her toys (or at least that's what she tells her teacher & classmates--more about that later). this week especially, both girls seem distressed that i'm not available to them constantly as i used to be (before babysitting. but really, i'm still with them most of the time, right?). 

we have been struggling, since i started babysitting, to keep things semi-normal with the girls. it's been hard. obviously, i went from eating bon-bons on the couch watching soaps to working up to 21 hours a week. (that was a joke, the SAHM eating candy on the couch while watching tv thing). we've noticed it here & there, the girls acting out more than usual, even for them. trying to get negative attention. it's hard to see it & this whole situation makes me furious, wes getting less money for doing more work, me being sick & us paying all the extra money that comes in to doctor or insurance copays or medicine.

so it's safe to say i'm highly stressed. & then i have this therapy 'coach' telling me to find 20 minutes during the day to sit by myself, in a comfortable chair, with out noise on around me to do these relaxation techniques (they're called inductions. seriously?! a woman totally did NOT come up with this b/c read this: "well, i'm off to get induced" ... sounds like i'm going into labor. stupid.)

trying to find 20 minutes a day to go induce myself is *more* stressful than me not even trying to do these relaxation exercises. if i do get a chance to slip away, the chair is not comfortable & there is usually crying & pounding coming from the other side of the locked door (i am locking myself in a room, not the other way around. but that thought has occured to me, locking them in a room & letting me go on this induction trail in the comfy seat, across the house). i'm sure once i tell this coach of mine that i can't find 20 minutes a day to myself he'll say something along the lines of 'well, at least we're finding out that you're not making time for yourself'.

which is bullshit. i hear that constantly: you need to find time for yourself. someone who arranges people's schedules for them please tell me how i can find 20 minutes to myself that doesn't include me paying someone to watch my kids & maybe even someone else's kid (which would be totally wrong, me paying someone to watch someone else's kid, the kid i'm being paid to babysit--following me?). i know being a parent is non-stop from pregnancy until i'm guessing sometime in college. even then i'm sure there's the panic moments when a parent is wrapped up in your kid's lives again, all day.

i guess what i'm trying to do here is prepare myself on how to explain this 'making time for myself being b.s.' to this therapy coach but then also to myself. i *really* don't have 20 minutes to myself. that sucks. it's bullshit...but it's totally reality & what else can i do?

i have to get past being upset about it & learn to induce myself with kids in the backgrounds. my kids need to learn to accept the change that's going on (which falls mostly on me, seeing as they are 4 & 2 years old. i need to help them adjust). b/c really, the past few weeks i have been pretty damn angry about several things, including medical expenses, the girls pushing my buttons, & then this business of me not having 20 minutes alone (to all introverts out there: yes, it kills me. to all extroverts out there: come over any time, preferably for 20 minutes at least).

one way i get a sense of what the girls are feeling is through role playing with dolls & such. & this week has been totally devastating. the mommy is always doing else, saying things like: IN A MINUTE! DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME?! STOP DOING THAT! even amelia is learning to imitate me in this less than desirable way. it's hard knowing that adeline understands that i'm not feeling well but then knowing that she sees me coping in a way that makes me angry--it sucks.

sure, all parents yell at their kids (if they don't, well, i just don't believe them). but when i read this from addy's end of week class handout: "in circle, i wrote down what makes each child sad & happy. next week, the emotions will be angry & scared." 

so i asked addy what she told everyone about those emotions. she sad her sister makes her happy (yea, happy mom moment!) then i asked her what makes her sad & she told me when her sister yells at her. then she looks at me with this totally guilty expression, eyes shifting around. so i flip through the handout that always has pictures of the past week attached. in it i find a picture of  the board where the teacher had recorded what each kid said makes them sad or happy. sure enough, addy's sister makes her happy. but what makes her sad: when my  mommy yells at me. & there's even two stick figures beside that, one mommy looking mad, one little kid looking sad.

i saw this & totally burst into tears. b/c not only does every parent in addy's class know that i'm the first thing that pops into her head when asked 'what makes you sad' but yea, b/c i know i'm what pops into her head when someone asks adeline that i yell at her & it makes her sad & then, she can't tell me about it (that last part is what tears me up) i mean, other kids have things like monkeys (not sure how a monkey can make one sad, but...) or mommy making them eat an apple.

but i'm the parent with the kid who blurts out that their parent yells at them. & then the teacher photographs it & sends it out to all the other parents. at least i'm not the parent who's kid said: i'm sad when my daddy breaks my toys. (i'm hoping that involves some sort of lego building crumbling--just like other parents are probably hoping that addy's mommy is just yelling at her in a normal manner instead of verbally abusing her, right?).

ugh.anyway, i'm off in a few to attend my fun relaxation techniques coaching class. or relaxation therapy without a therapist (which sounds absurd!). it's probably in my coach's best interest today that he's not a therapist b/c i would be rambling & crying on & on tonight about this stupid, frustrating situation we are in...